Updated: Feb 15, 2021
I use to have goals but those goals were not mine.
I use to have a deep drive for a future that was not mine.
This future, these goals were impressions of who others thought I should be or think I am. I did not know who I was and am still peeling back the layers daily to figure out my center. One thing is true though, I know most of us go through similar processes throughout our lifetimes. The intense desire to fit in, or be what marketers and social media influencers tell us to be confounds our sense of self, often leading us down a rabbit hole of dissatisfaction. While exploring my uneasiness, pain and stuck-ness, I began to realize (slowly because I can be dense, you know) my goals and desires weren't really mine. They were my mother's, father's, grandparents', aunts', ex-partners', capitalism's, the culture of the state I was born in and the country I grew up in. All of these people influenced me and similar actors might influence you in your own bubble.
What do you do then when you realize you are carrying the dreams of your ancestors and other people's ancestors for generations? AND that these "dreams" are often misguided, unrealistic and toxic. Weep
Ask for help
Sleep and then use my privilege to sit and go deep. Deep into the cosmos, deep into my body and into the unknown. The challenge of going inward was all mine, yet I was terrified to see what was really there. I couldn't find the path without hanging on tightly to a taught rope unfurled by kind maestros, medicine people, friends and even sometimes advisories.
Teachers began to appear. Teachers from the Shipibio and Quechua lineages of the Peruvian Amazon and the High Andes of Peru, a magical friend, Reiki Master and Death Doula, a heart centered Cherokee Native Healer Elder, a new yet familiar feeling friend from Russia, a snarky and loving brother from Ethiopia, a sister with so much wisdom and medicine from Kruk, Shipibio and Quechua indoctrination, a sweet, loving and determined relative with cancer, a wise Sensai and a masterful Hawaiian friend and bodyworker all began teaching me in different ways.
My task was and is to listen. Listen to what they are saying... and aren't saying. The space between the words and what is not said allows us to listen.
Listen to our dreams.
Dream of who we are. Dream of what we truly want. Dream of our ancestors and all the pain they experienced so we can have the privilege to sit in silence. Dream of the world we desire and how letting go of old dreams gives way to this new world.
What dreams do you carry that are not your's?
A dream of mine: Say thank you to Mauna Kea for allowing me to live here. Completed 1/21